Friday, 15 March 2013

The Crow Challenge Day Two: The Crow II: AKA Why oh God Why?

The second installment of my Crow viewing saga. Today’s ‘pleasure’; The Crow II: City of Angels.

You want a plot synopsis? Watch the first film and you have it. City of Angels is pretty much a beat by beat shitty remake. Violent death with loved one? Check. Female companion? Check. Pseudo-intellectual gangsters? Check. Halloween motifs? Check. Hunting down and killing the gang members one by one? Check. Leaving behind a (sometimes painfully shoehorned) Crow insignia? Check. Using the protagonist’s animal companion as leverage? Check. Contemporary rock soundtrack? Check.

Emo poetry? Check.

This essentially is the first film, if the film had been made by some inept monkeys who wouldn't know character if it bit them on the ass. One plot thread they oddly chose to leave out was the cop assistance, which left the film feeling annoyingly repetitive (Crow returns. Hunt. Kill. Hunt. Kill. End boss fight. Credits). It’s nonsense. And it feels cheap. The colour scene is child-like, which strong reds and greens trying to make the shoddy sets seem some way more interesting than they are. And let’s not even talk about how the Sarah character’s apartment is apparently the villain’s lair, just redressed. Visual effects are a joke. I know it's almost 20 years on, but we'd already had dinosaurs and metal men by this point, could they not try make some sort of decent attempt at a crow flying? 

'Guys, you're, like, totally in my personal space, like'.

The guy who plays the Crow, Vincent Perez, is fantastically awful (honestly, it wouldn't take a casting agent to see how rubbish he is). He spends most of the filming have nervous breakdowns and whining. And Iggy Pop... Well, let's just put it like this, there is a scene where he prances around to one of his own songs. Uff… Never so quickly has a franchise fallen in quality. Apparently the studio made cuts to make this film more like the first one, but something tells me that even if the filmmakers could cut it from scratch, this film is no lost classic.

Suddenly those car insurance commercials aren't so bad anymore... 

About the only things I like about this film are some of the songs (Deftones make a cringy appearance playing on a stage), the inclusion of Sarah from the previous film, and the peepshow scene that had Tom Jane in it. Don’t get me wrong, these things are no reason to put yourself through the film. It is dire.

Peter, I hate you.

Join me tomorrow when I see if the series can be saved by first direct-to-video installment; The Crow: Salvation. 

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