Wednesday, 12 December 2012

The worstest worst film of the year, which you shouldn't see, cuz it's bad.

You know, there has been an awful lot of stinkers this year, but I thought nothing could be the incredibly atrocious The Devil Inside. I was wrong. In the interest of sparing someone from buying this film for a dear friend as a Christmas present, allow me to warn you, the worst film of the year, possibly of the last ten years even, is The Chernobyl Diaries.


The word on the street for this film was pretty bad off the bat, but you know, the trailer was intriguing. It's a simple but effective story (a group of tourists visit Chernobyl, the site of one of the worst nuclear meltdowns ever, on an adventure holiday, end up stranded, and stalked by something not quite human...). I like found footage. Basically, it seemed like Hills Have Eyes meets Cloverfield in Chernobyl. I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but that's hard to get wrong. I was impressed... Impressed at just how wrong it went.

First off, it's not found footage (I know a lot of people will let out a sigh of relief at that, but screw you, there is the potential for amazing found footage films, and by God, we will eventually get that standout!). Instead, it is documentary style, to the extent that it looks cheap and cheesy. The actors are alright, but they all seem to know just how ridiculous a film they are in. The crux of the film is that they are trapped, but even a blind monkey could see just how little an effort they make to get to safety. When a group does set off for help, they decide to turn back about 100 metres down the road, yet it takes them hours to make it back. Something is able to completely destroy a van, yet the mutants (oops... spoiler... actually, you should never watch this film, so you should know, it's mutants) are completely incompetent and harmless when we see them, even in crowds. The plan of action should never be back yourself in to a corner. Why does a mutant not attack people right in front of them? Even if they're blind, why can't they hear them? Why is the best scare in the trailer really poorly executed in the film itself? How come the people can be trapped without any chance of contact to the outside world, yet a prepped and planned army shows up? Does the film think its twist is good? Cuz it's not. It's lame. Why does this film just suck so much?

Like I said, the film seemed good. It's such a simple idea; mutants attack in Chernobyl. How can you get it so wrong? Now, obviously there is a big issue with the fact the idea of mutants in Chernobyl is actually really offensive, but when you can distance yourself from that and take it as a nuclear movie, every other single nuclear exploitation did this better. This film was boring. Flat out boring. People walk around. They run around. Then they run around again. Seriously... Don't put yourself though this film. It's not even so bad it's good (for that, see Zombie Flesh Eaters 2). It is just a pure waste of time. Easily the worst horror of the year, and it has been a year of stinkers.

Also, I think it might give you an STD.