Monday, 16 July 2012

With trailers like these, why watch the whole thing?

Being bed-bound, I am restless and wanting to watch stuff, and what started as a curious viewing of the trailer for John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness has led me into the insanity of the most fantastically bad B-movie trailers/clips you could ask for! 

The best thing about these trailers is that they are obviously for films so bad that they put all the best bits in the trailer, so you know if you watch the full length thing you will just see a load of filler between the amazingly crap latex monster from the trailer.

You may notice an awful lot of these are from the 80s. What the hell was wrong with that decade? Anyway, there's 16 hours of films condensed into less than 20 minutes. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...

THE BRAIN (1988)
All I know is what Wikipedia tells me, which is that this has some sort of anti-Scientology message, and that it hasn't been released on DVD. That's more than enough!

Sweet Jesus, this looks amazing!!! That amazing sound design! Those realistic and not at all boringly white sets! Those severed arm effects! 

This is the REAL Alien sequel, not that silly Prometheus nonsense. From the back of the box: “From the darkest corner of the universe comes an alien terror with a cold-blooded mission...conquer the earth [sic] and harvest it’s [sic] inhabitants as a food source. Can our world survive this nightmare from deep space. [sic]”

AMERICA 3000 (1986)
'Love is the only thing worth nuking'. Truer words have never been said...

THE POWER (1983)
Earth... Fire... Wind... I guess this is Captain Planet without the Heart?

Darth Vader uses the force in an all-new cringy way! 

The Earth is under attack from toy space ships and bad 80s hair dos!

Hellgate! Hellgate! Did I mention this film is called Hellgate!? On video cassette finally!

Oh no...

I love how these trailers are so blind to the fact we don't care what happens in the film, that we just wanna see the crazy shit they give us in the trailer.

'Isn't she beautiful?' What? The pants-shittingly terrifying human sized doll? Yeah... Sure... It's not like she'll be an evil killer or something.

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